Not an Entertainment Director (Careful - this is a rant.)

{steps onto soapbox.}

I am a lot of things. Ask my friends and family. I am sure they all have lots of names for me. 

I have the standard titles: Wife, Mom, Daughter, Friend, Cohort, Coworker, Geek, Nerd, Pain in the butt, etc. However, my kids are over 18 now and one is married and expecting his own kid soon. I stopped being an entertainment director years ago.

Unfortunately, one of those moments, where you just want to table-flip the hell out of something happened this morning. Well, ok, it started last night. I was being polite and informed someone that I am going to go spend a weekend playing with my friends next month. Nothing huge, go down on Saturday, spend the night, hang out for a bit on Sunday then go home. I am making the commitment to go to Sacramento’s Pagan Pride (http://www.sacpaganpride.org/) as I haven’t been able to go for a couple years and am getting really tired of missing it. I’m dragging my husband with me, because well, that’s what he signed up for when he married me almost 25 years ago. He goes where I go, most of the time. (I’m not that heartless.) But, I am not, repeat AM NOT, responsible for anyone else. Not even my kids this year. If they want to go, they can find their own way there. My daughter and her friends will be at Yaoi-Con (http://www.yaoicon.com/); her fiancé is livestock sitting for me that weekend. All my bases are covered. (Mind you, I live almost 60 miles from it.)

Or so I thought. Sigh. There are people in my life that do not believe in my way of thinking, do not share my faith. That’s cool. I’m okay with that. I don’t force it down their throats or try to convert. Not my place. As long as they are happy with their faith, that works for me. If you want to know about mine, ask; I’ll answer the best I can as I am still learning all the time. However, there are a couple that seem to believe I am their social director. That I should have included, invited, planned their weekend for them. Sigh.  This morning I have to deal with the crap, the pouty, pissy, moody, crap, and I know where it stems from – peeps are feeling like I purposefully left them out and I don’t want them around. Whatever.

Now, I have no problem with these peeps joining us. They have their own vehicles, they have their own lives. If they choose to come down for a day and join us at Pride, then cool, great, whatever. However, if you get pissy with me because I didn’t include you in my plans? I am gonna table flip the hell out of something. Seriously? If you are over 18, you can make your own plans and do your own thing.

I get really tired, frustrated and annoyed at those people I meet and know that bitch about not having anything to do, or friends to do it with, or whatever. Get off you lazy butt and go find some. They will not, I repeat NOT, come knocking on the door asking if you can come out and play. They probably don’t know you exist. Why? Because you do not put yourself out there.  

I do things because I need to go out and have fun while I can. With MS, I could be in a wheelchair in a few years or hell, next year for that matter. If I want to take a walk, I’m going. If I want to walk a 5K? Yep, you bet your sweet ass I am going to go do it. You can come with or not. You will not, however, bitch at me for doing it or wanting to do it and you will not get mad at me if I didn’t schedule it into your calendar for you. I’ll give you plenty of notice. If you want to go with me or be there or whatever, it’s of your own free will. I have too much to do and plan for with MS mucking up the waters than to have to worry about your adult ass, too.

You are not tied to a chair, handcuffed to a bed, or under house arrest. Do it your own damn self. The only person responsible for your bloody happiness is yourself. I tell myself that in the mirror every damn morning then I put on my big girl panties and combat boots and head out to defeat the day. Or, I try to. I understand that there are days I won’t be able to do much, but again, that is my decision, my issue, and my pain. Yes, I appreciate some of the help I get, if I need it, I will ask for it and when it is given I try to be gracious about it. My guilt at needing it is mine. BUT, I never assume I am going to get it or that it is due to me automatically.

Oh, and you are not Grumpy Cat, try smiling once in damn while. You might activate a few endorphins and actually be moderately happy for once. 

 {jumps off box}

The Rising Issues of Mental Health

With Robin Williams’ death comes another wave of discussion over mental health care in our country. Are we doing enough? Is the stigma disappearing? How does it come to this? What does this all mean?

Well, as the wife of an amazing man who happens to suffer from the diseases of Bipolar Depression and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, I’ll tell you. The answers of those questions are: No, No, easily for those suffering with depression, and only those people know.

Depression is a disease. It isn’t a stigma. It isn’t leprosy. It doesn’t brush under a rug and go away. It hides behind endearing smiles, captivating conversation, and energetic activities. It hides in dark rooms, under pillows, quiet times, and is deadly. It strikes when you are weak and hits like a brick. You can’t dodge it, or hide from it, or definitely, you CANNOT ignore it. It’s an evil fog that encapsulates its victim, then spreads out to try and trap those around them.

You know the saying, only the strong survive, yes? Well, even the strong can collapse with depression. It can dissolve your ambitions like acid. Everyone has a breaking point. It is what happens when you are at that point that can make or break it.

Depression is an invisible disease. I call Depression an invisible disease because sometimes even those closest to the individual don’t notice until too late.  People suffering from this disease are no different than those afflicted with other invisible diseases. It is no different than Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, etc. The individual has it, but most people can’t tell until it is so severe that there is no turning back. Depression has an advantage though, with the correct medication, support, love, kindness, help, and direction, most people can survive it, fight it, and live through it. Sure, they don’t look sick, but seriously, never judge a book by its cover.

Fighting Depression is a constant battle. Every moment, every thought, becomes a target and a fight. I’m dumb, fat, skinny, ugly, stupid, worthless, unneeded, a blemish, an anchor to my family, or a disgrace. The absolute fact is that you are NOT dumb, fat, skinny, ugly, stupid, worthless, unneeded, a blemish, an anchor to my family, or a disgrace.  You are smart, beautiful, amazing, friendly, fun, needed, loved, and special. You are a significant part of your friend and family circle. Without you, they would not be complete.

Depression is a bully. Beating you up and taking your sanity like your lunch money. It wants to stuff you in a locker, give you a wedgie, and put tacks on your chairs. Don’t even mention the mental swirlies that it gives you. Stand up to your Bully. Gather your friends and family and back that jerk right back into his box. Hulk Smash that bitch.

This has gone on long enough people. Mental Health is nothing to stick your nose up at and ignore. It is something painful that requires special attention. You fight it by being supportive, observant, and sincere. I know from my own experiences with the Big D that I need to have someone I love or respect tell me to put on my big girl panties and step up. It’s hard. It truly is.

Depression insinuates itself into your head and makes you think that you are a burden to your family. You are dragging them down. It would all be better if you just weren’t around anymore. Your family would move on and be better off. What you don’t believe, understand, or realize is the carnage you leave behind in your wake when you get to the point of suicide. You can’t, won’t, or don’t let your family do what they are there for, to love you and help raise you up. That is why they are there in your life. They aren’t pretty fixtures you need to dust. They are hard working, loving, caring, bully-destroying, kick-ass, cheerleaders, and supporters of everything you do in your life.

Your faith, yes, your faith can help as well, but it is the loving people in your face telling you to get up, take another step, expressing their love for you, and yes, tell you to put on your big kid underwear and combat boots, baby, cuz you are doing battle. The cool thing is, if you look to your sides, you realize that your family and friends are right there with you in this battle. Their love and commitment to you is your super power against the Big D. You can’t let it win. Please don’t let it win. The wreckage left behind takes forever to clean up and sometimes, it is never clean. Sometimes there is no recovery. And the circle begins again.

Break the circle, go Super Saiyan on that bitch. Tell it to back the hell off because you have things to do, people to see, memories to make, and people to love.

Sure, sometimes that person thinks they have no one to reach out to, but honestly, there are tons of people, groups, and support out there to stretch out a hand to you and give you a hug. For no other reason than you are just you. You are valuable. You have life experiences that can educate others. You have opinions, needs, desires, and suggestions on how to help others. You are amazing. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.

I know this post sounds like a lot of BS, but honestly, I live with the Big D every bloody day of my life. It crawls into the crevices of my brain trying to undermine my control. It’s a constant battle. I have Multiple Sclerosis, that’s enough junk in my system trying to mess with me, I don’t need Depression coming to the party. The Big D was NOT invited.

I live with a loving and caring man that deals with this daily as well. We help and support each other. It’s all we can do. This isn’t a single-player game, peeps. This is full contact, multi-player, team defense.

There are tons of places out there for help. You can call any of the resources below or visit your local shelter and talk to anyone working there, I am sure if they don’t have the expertise to help, they know someone that does. Plus, I am sure the hugs are free and you should never be afraid of crying. Crying releases toxins in your body. So, cry away, get that crap out of your body. Don’t believe me? Go here: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/06/06/7-good-reasons-to-cry-your-eyes-out/

Just take that first step, please.

Maybe some of this can help:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Call 24/7 - 1-800-273-8255

For Young Adults: http://www.youmatter.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/

Veterans and their loved ones can call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, chat online (http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ChatTermsOfService.aspx), or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

http://www.afsp.org/

National Institute of Mental Health (Also a great place for any info on Depression.)

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml

Amazing help for Teens and Young Adults for Depression or Addiction Services:

http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines

Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433 
Immediate Medical Assistance: 911 
Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863 

Crisis Call Center
800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices.html

Depression and Bipolar Support 
800-273-TALK (8255)
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week 
http://www.dbsalliance.org

National Hopeline Network
800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
800-442-HOPE (4673)
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.hopeline.com
        
Crisis Center and Hotlines Locator by State
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/getinvolved/locator

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline
630-482-9696
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.spsamerica.org

Thursday’s Child National Youth Advocacy Hotline
800-USA-KIDS (800-872-5437)
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.thursdayschild.org

Your Life Iowa: Bullying Support and Suicide Prevention
(855) 581-8111 (24/7) or text TALK to 85511 (4–8 PM every day)
Chat is available Mondays–Thursdays from 7:30 PM–12:00 AM
http://www.yourlifeiowa.org

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance:

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pa

30 Things About My Life with MS

I was referred to a site called butyoudontlooksick.com and I saw this article for Invisible Illness Week and since World MS Day was May 28th, I decided to do my own version of 30 Questions:

1. The illness I live with is: Multiple Sclerosis and all its friends. Fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, and cold urticaria. 

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I was diagnosed in 2014 after years of testing. 

3. But I had symptoms since: If I look back, I’ve been having symptoms for 10-15 years now. 
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Taking a break and learning to say no/ask for help.

5. Most people assume: that I have just hurt my foot or some other body part and it will heal and then I’ll be “all better.”

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Pulling myself out of bed. I spend about 15 minutes just trying to move to get my appendages to support my weight or pull me out of bed. So easy to just lay there. 

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I don’t really have one. I tend to gravitate more to the fantasy/SciFi genre. If I watch anything with a “medical” piece, it’s CSI.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My folding cane. It helps me walk, reach things…and I can fold it up and put it in my bag when I don’t need it. I try not to rely on it too much. I have a wheeled/seat walker that I use for long outings, but I really couldn’t live without my phone/tablet. Keeps me connected and independent. 

9. The hardest part about nights are: Trying to get comfortable. Either too hot, too cold, or the most comfy position starts to hurt, insomnia. 

10. Each day I take 19 pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried whatever has come my way. I figure why not? Not everything works for everyone, but then what doesn’t work for one, may work for someone else. 

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I’d stick with this invisible one. There are days when I wish I had something I didn’t have to explain, but then I have a pretty big mouth and can advocate and discuss. 

13. Regarding working and career: I enjoy staying busy, but commuting to work every day is difficult. I continue because I need the health care and the paycheck, but someday, I’ll be able to retire and stay closer to home and do something I really want to do. 

14. People would be surprised to know: that I fight with depression all the time. It’s a never ending battle keeping a hold on the spiral and staying moderately happy. Some days, my happy exterior is all done with smoke and mirrors. 

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Not being supermom. I have to ask for help and accept that there are things I cannot do anymore and days when I can be great one second and horrid the next. 

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Fly in a zeppelin. Awesome fun. 

17. The commercials about my illness: What commercials? There aren’t many for Multiple Sclerosis. 

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: reading in the car and spending the day outside. 

19. It was really hard to have to give up: doing things on my own. I loved being independent. Now, it is a rare moment that I can do things on my own. 

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Photography. My diagnosis made me choose to do things now.  I love photography, I will be taking classes on it to learn everything my camera can do, but I enjoy capturing everyday beauty and the odd things here and there. 

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Go ride roller coasters all by myself. 

22. My illness has taught me: to slow down and take things in stride. It has taught me that there is no shame in asking for help. 

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: having to explain what MS is. I get a lot of blank stares, weird responses, etc., it gets very tiring having to explain it all the time. Or, finding someone that “knows” what it is but getting “Oh, I know someone (my aunt, dogtrainer, etc.) that has MS, they cured it with xyz cure (gargling with magma, chewing twigs, whatever.) You should try that.”

24. But I love it when people: try to understand and step back and let me live my life. If I need help, I’ll ask, but I love it when people enjoy things with me instead of keeping me from it or hovering. 

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Hope. I adore “The only thing stronger than fear is Hope.” I also love Dr. Seuss’s – “Say what you mean and mean what you say because those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.”

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Hang tough! It’s your life, live it your way. 

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:  The amount of things I can still do. Not to mention, all the information and learning out there. Even in the last couple years, advancements have been leaps and bounds.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: be genuinely kind. Let me nap with no feelings of guilt so I could get back to doing. 

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: It’s only invisible if we keep it that way. Bringing it out into the sunlight will help advance our research and hopefully end the stigmas and bring a cure. 

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: vulnerable but I’ll always answer truthfully about things asked. Otherwise, how else do we learn. 

MS Impacts Us All

Please take a few moments to watch this video and feel free to share!!

Fight the fights worth fighting!!!

I know my writings have been hit or miss in the past, but I’m trying. My memory isn’t what it used to be. Too many things to do and not enough time. The kids think I play games to waste time, they don’t understand that it is how I keep my brain active. Hidden Item games are amazing for keeping the memory going and so are puzzle games.

Anyway, I had a thought today. When asked for the billionth time about how I cope with having MS, I reply that I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You know, like the Abominable Snowman and that song from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. “Just one foot in front of the other, and soon you’ll be walking out the door.” You know you remember that movie. Bombie is one of my favorite characters and now he is my inspiration on most days. Just getting out of bed is a victory. People don’t get it.

How is it that you are in so much pain and so sick but you keep working? Uhm, duh. I’m broke. I need the health care benefits and the paycheck. Sure, I could quit my job, forfeit my pension, and live off of disability for the rest of my life, but I can’t afford to live like that. I want to live. I want my life. To me, that is giving up. Don’t get me wrong, for some, it’s the only option. My husband is physically disabled and is on disability, but it was a fight, a three year fight, to get him on it. Without it, doom. It helps. He worked a lot of years to earn the right to have that available to him. Thankfully, his working paid for his disability payments and gives him access to Medicare. Thank the heavens. Without that health care, we’d be deeper in medical bills than we already are.

This situation and conversation with a coworker is what triggered my thought today. Remember the movie, “The American President,” with Michael Douglas and Annette Bening? Great movie. One of my favorites. There is a moment in that movie, where Michael Douglas’ character is having a heated discussion with his Chief of Staff, A.J. MacInerny played by Martin Sheen and discussing the situation at hand. A.J. has the best line in this movie while discussing fights that can be won and he says, “You fight the fights that need fighting.” Awesome line. Thank you, Mr. Aaron Sorkin.

I want a shirt that says that on the back and Finding a cure for MS on the front. What do you think?

I’m tired of getting the “But you don’t look sick,” comments. I’m just tired of the charming people that lend their opinions to all these new fangled diets and trends that they seem to think will cure my MS. I say thank you to them for caring about me, but seriously, don’t you think I’ve tried that stuff? Those things aren’t for everyone, every body is different and need different things. Mine happens to need more Vitamin D. For some reason my system seems to have a hatred for the stuff and refuses to process it naturally. So difficult. LoL.

However, I have decided to try and enjoy life a bit more. Try to live while I can. I’m starting a bucket list. I’m trying to chill but I’m not fragile. Not yet. I can still do some things for myself. Like two other favorite quotes, “MS is a bitch, but I’m not MS’ bitch,” and “I have MS, but it doesn’t have me.”

Fight the fights worth fighting, people! 

That’s how we get things done!

Peace!

Okay, Okay, I know....

So, yes, I have Multiple Sclerosis. Meh.

I thought I'd be ready for the actual diagnosis, but I was wrong. It hit like a ton of bricks. Mostly because I have to explain it to a lot of people. They have no idea what it is. Sigh.

I'm learning to live with it though. I have a great doctor. A great support system and I am learning to take it easy. Okay, two out of three of those are true.

It's hard stopping life and rejudging it for what you can and cannot do. But I'm trying.

Book Review: Wool by Hugh Howey

In the immortal words of Richard O’Brian in his lyrics for“Planet, Schmanet, Janet,” “A mental mind fuck can be nice.”

To begin with, this is a rather melancholy dystopian story. You follow the main character, Holston, through his reasoning for questioning his life. It’s well written and a solid read. The story grabs you and doesn’t want to let you go.

Holston is going through the remorse and sadness of losing his wife. He questions his life, his home, his government, just as anyone would. The problem is this story is post-apocalyptic and his entire society is holed up in a refurbished missile silo.

Outside is horrid. Air filled with harmful gases and skin torturing winds; or is it?

There is a truth hidden in this society. Those in charge work hard to maintain order and keep the truth hidden. When someone questions the truth, they are allowed to do as they please and go outside. The trade-off is that the person who desires to leave, must take out the cleaner and wool and clean the cameras for the rest of the people staying behind.

Holston doesn’t realize the truth until he goes outside himself and removes his helmet.

I sat for a bit and had to think about this story. It took me a little bit to really wrap my head around the conclusion. I was going to write that I felt a bit cheated in the story until I found out that this is only book one and there is a Wool Omnibus with books 1-5 in it. There is also a prequel titled “First Shift – Legacy” which is book 6 in the series. I have been told that although book 6 is a prequel, you really should read the omnibus first then the prequel so you truly understand the story.

If the other 5 books are as creative as the first, I’m hooked. Book 1 is currently free on Amazon for Kindle but I would recommend the Omnibus for $5.99. As soon as my pennies add up and my TBR pile decreases a bit, I’ll be reading them and sharing more info here.

I just found out that a Book 7 has been released as of November 12, 2012 - Totally on my TBR list now. 

Amazon Kindle Book: Wool by Hugh Howey

Amazon Kindle Book: Wool Omnibus Books 1-5

Amazon Kindle Book: First Shift (Silo Series Book 6)

Woot!! And book 7 for your reading pleasure:

Amazon Kindle Book: Second Shift (Silo Series Book 7)

Is Laughter The Best Medicine? | Yahoo! Health

As someone that enjoys laughing at herself and stupid jokes, I thought I'd share this article. Enjoy!!!

Many laughs for you!

Is Laughter The Best Medicine? | Yahoo! Health

Book Review: 50 Shades of Grey (or “The story of how I knew I didn’t care for the Twilight books/movies at all so why did I think I would enjoy this”)

Okay, I’ll admit this right off….I’m an idiot.

I didn’t know that these books (there are three) were basically Twilight Fan Fiction with the names of the characters changed. Ah, the 20/20 vision of hindsight. People were calling it “Mommy Porn” and that intrigued me a bit. I mean I like a little naughty now and then so why not. And there were lots of people swooning over it. (Should have been my first clue but I’m not that quick sometimes.)

Dear heavens above, what a freaking waste of my time, money, and life.

I am going to admit, here and now, in writing, that I could NOT finish the first book. Nope. Couldn’t do it. I got about a third of the way in and all I wanted to do was smack the crap out of Ana and chain Mr. Gray up in a psychiatrist’s office for a year or two. Good grief. You would be hard pressed to find two more dysfunctional people.

I wanted to scream at them. I thought there for a while there was blood coming out of my eyes while I tried to keep them focused on the page to read this crap.

Then one night, I was sitting in my livingroom, with two of my daughters and we got talking about books and 50 Shades came up. I pounced. I told them that I couldn’t figure out why, but the book was just rubbing me the wrong way, I was having the hardest time reading it. I thought it was drivel and painful to read. You can guess what happened next. My girls started busting up and laughing at me. (eyeroll)  I tried to put on my “Mom Face” and glare at them while asking why there were laughing at their mom (this time). Sigh. My eldest reminded me that I hated Twilight. I said that I did. She then told me that, of course, I’d hate 50 Shades because it was just Twilight fan fiction that the author had changed the names in. She said that Ana was Bella and Gray was Edward and Jose was Jacob. I almost cried. Come on, seriously? Ugh.

So, I did what any self respecting mother would do, I laughed with them. Sigh. Then I backed out of the book on my Kindle and removed the books off of her. What a waste of almost $30. Lesson learned.

Now, there are a lot of people out there that enjoyed Twilight and the 50 Shades series and I say “hurrah” to you. I am happy that you do. Everyone should have books/movies that delight them. I have nothing bad to say to those people. Just please, and yes, I am begging here, please do NOT talk about them with me. They make my head hurt. 

Over myself I think....

Ok. I think I am over myself at the moment. I thought about deleting my last post but then I though, no...it's a true statement. Depression does suck and it sucks more when you have no way to really let out the stress bottled up inside you.

I want to throw stuff. Really just toss stuff around. Random things. However, I don't. For a couple reasons. First, I can't throw hard or accurately or for any distance - like that paper airplane you toss but lands at your feet? That's me with a ball some days. So, what would the point be?

Secondly, I'd have to pick it all up. Where's the fun in going batshit crazy for a period of time tossing things about if you are the one that has to clean it all up? You spend the time cleaning bitching about the mess you made. Oh, and if anything broke? Then you bitch at yourself about the money you now have to put out to replace something.

Finally? I'd wear myself out so badly that I'd hurt for a month.

It's so difficult to communicate with normals. They just don't understand. Not to mention those peeps that spend their entire lives complaining about this ache or that pain or the one's that ask you how you feel and when you tell them say, "Now you know how I feel" or "Join the club."

Uhm, no. No, I don't really. And you have no clue how I feel. I hate those sayings. Seriously, what a freaking cop-out and rude as hell.

NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL or JOIN THE CLUB

Now you know how I feel? Why? You have MS/Fibro/Misc Neuro Condition, too? Wow. Awesome.

or...

Can I join the club? Will we get jackets? Are refreshments provided? I ask because my stomach has issues with some foods and I don't like the heartburn that comes after.

It's so hard to get people to understand how you feel. A really good friend linked me to a great article called "The Spoon Theory" by Christine Miserandino. Her website is www.butyoudontlooksick.com and is amazing. The article is a great way to explain how people with "invisible" illnesses live.

Honestly, if you know someone with Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis, Fibromyalgia, or anything like that, her site is a great place to get some helpful info about how to be supportive and thoughtful.

Misplaced "friendly" and "helpful" comments are often more hurtful to our psyches than many would think. It drives me nuts to be thought an invalid. I know what my limits are and I choose to accomplish what I can with what I have, but don't think I can't do anything. I can do whatever I choose to do. It's my choice. If I choose to do something and know I'll pay the consequences for it, it is still my choice.

Like the time I went to my son's high school play the day after a really, really problem filled, complication riddled spinal tap. I went in sweats, sat on a pillow, and was on major pain pills, but I saw my son and enjoyed myself. It made me happier to be there and watch him than it would have had I stayed at home, moped, cried, and lay in bed. It was my choice.

Also, don't assume because I say I am tired that I am done for the day. Again, this is my choice. I know that if I am running low, I can rest. I rest then resume my activity that I choose to do. Don't think I'm not going to finish or I'm going to "flake" on it and take it upon yourself to either finish it for me or make excuses for my not finishing it. Back off. I know my limits.

Yes, sometimes I go over my limits, but I know the consequences and honestly, I can plan for them. If I know that something like going to my kids' activities is going to tap me then I plan for a restful next day.

I have always been a bit anal retentive about calendars and planning things, but I find I am so much more like that now. I'm a scheduler and I really get pissy when someone or something, like my health, gets in my way.

Go check out Christine's site. Venture to the links. Think of it as a fun and educational vacation into knowledge. Even now, in my 40's, I try to learn something new everyday. I encourage it in others.

Okay, I suck...

I have a bunch of posts that I haven't had the freaking energy to even copy and paste into my blog. Sorry, guys, I suck. It's not like anyone reads this shit anyway. I feel like that grumpy little dude from "Sydney White" who says "it's not about being read, it's about being written."

Whatever.

Let me tell you something, you random person that might one day read this...Depression sucks. Sucks fucking big time. Right now, I couldn't give a rat's rear end about who reads this and who doesn't. I also couldn't care less about most others right now. Right now, I have just about lost my faith in almost everyone in my life.

You have no idea. I don't even want to read right now. Nope. And if you knew me outside of the interwebz, you would understand how freaking serious that is. I love books. I love reading. Usually. But right now, I have no clue why I even bothered to charge my Kindle.

Screw Y Chromosomes. You guys just suck. Seriously. First of all, I don't really know one I can trust and count on anymore. I mean there might be a couple...like my dad....or this one friend... but I don't want to burden this one Y Chromosome with my issues because he has enough of his own.

I am not that hard to please. Honestly. Seriously. It doesn't take a lot of work. I'm fairly low maintenance. But FUCK, get with it.

Whatever

Bugger off friends that only want to be your friend when they need something. I have no issues with friends that have been there for you, and really need you. Feel that they can call you when they have a problem. BUT when they never call to say HI or Let's do coffee, or whatever...only to say, Hey, can you ...

Whatever.

Get a life, children that can't grasp it. Selfish little snots. Been there for you whenever you've needed me, but you can't be big hearted enough to even talk to me when I need you or adult enough to give others a chance.  Go buy your own food and shit.

Whatever.

I've just about had it. I'm at the end of my thread. I have no patience left, no hope, no trust in others, and certainly, no faith in government. I need a cave to crawl into and just be alone for awhile. Maybe have a good cry.

Next person that asks me for something? Fuck off. I give up.

Too bad I am too damn responsible to just quit and run away. Heaven forbid I quit my job and take care of me. I mean, then I wouldn't be able to be your mall.

To those that may actually care, I apologize for you having to read through my rant and I'll get back to regular blogs soon. Maybe. I hope.

Still Proud to be A Honker Mom!

Okay, so here is my soapbox deal of the day.

So much drama is going on today over an issue that happened last night at a JV Baseball game between my son’s school, Yuba City High School, and a local rival, Del Campo High School. Now, I’ll put this right out there, when I was in high school at Mira Loma, we didn’t think too highly of DC either. Them and El Camino HS. Rivalries Happen.

So, yesterday, game is progressing. The score is 3-3 in the 6^th inning. There has been a lot of back and forth trash talking between the teams. That happens. It’s part of the game. The next thing that happens, isn’t usually part of the game. The First Base Coach for DC said **something** (No, I have no clue what he said) to YC’s pitcher and dugout. It must have been a good one because the next thing you know, the pitcher is flinging the ball at the FB Coach. Huh? Seriously? Sigh. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on which side of this fence you are on, the ball missed the coach. However, next thing you know, the YC dugout empties and a brawl ensues. (I’ll link everything at the bottom for your perusing pleasure.)

Now, I wasn’t there. The HS baseball team was too cliquey for my son to get on so he went to performing arts. (Which he ROCKS at by the way!!) However, he’s be on Varsity by now anyway as a senior, but I digress. (I'll write a fun entry about Seussical soon.)

Here is my take on this whole nightmare. Trash talking is part of a game AND it is a game. Remember, game? Fun? Game = fun? (Just wanted to get that out there.) Rivalries happen. I had them in high school and as an avid sports fan, I have them now (hear that A’s fans!! Lol) But rivalries shouldn’t resort to violence. The comebacks and the comments shouldn’t be in good natured ribbing – no racial cracks, don’t talk about someone’s mother, etc.

Some little tart whipped out her phone and recorded the last part of the “incident” complete with her commentary (highly enlightening - NOT) and her excitement about getting to post it to YouTube. Personally, if that is your life’s ambition, you need to rethink your goals and priorities. In this video, we see the DC FB Coach chatting it up with people on the sidelines for DC. Talking about the incident. Now, honestly, insert brain filter. As a member of the coaching staff, and quite possibly the match to this fuse, he should have kept his mouth shut. This is a situation being reviewed by the respective teams and schools not onlookers. Do not discuss this outside the school offices. Highly unprofessional and definitely unsportsmanlike conduct. There are words and tones there that could be used against him.

I have a couple words that everyone on that field needs to review and permanently place in their memories. The first one is sportsmanship. Then there is compassion, responsibility, role model, and tact. No one involved, except for the referee’s as far as I could see, embraced any of these vocabulary words. Players, parents, onlookers, or coaching staff. Tempers flared and chaos ensued.

Seriously, take the ribbing like a man. It is what it is. Something to rile you up and get you off your game. If you are professional and mature about the whole thing, you’d let it roll off your back like water off a duck. Deal with it. If you let it get to you, they have won. There is no reason to start a brawl like that, ever.

Hopefully, the truth will come out, tempers will cool, and yes, unfortunately, a few boys are going to look back on this incident in 20 years and be very angry at themselves and full of regret as it may possibly ruin their baseball careers. If not just for the rest of their high school days, maybe their lives. Sad, that is. I am sure there will be suspensions and maybe an expelling due to this and I’m sad for them, but the choice was theirs: take it like a man, or act the idiot. The idiot won. Unfortunately, the idiot won for some parents, too. What an example you are setting. Wow.

I also hope that BOTH schools will dispense the appropriate amount of punishment. I am truly hoping that DC doesn’t brush this under the rug but instead, realizes the actual situation and the comments made and punish the coach adequately. While the brawl should never occurred, neither should a comment that could incite such ire have been said. I don’t know what was said and may never know, but I doubt it was appropriate.

Point is, we are all human. No one is more special than anyone else. No one is all that and a bag of chips. We all put our pants on one leg at a time and we are ALL a mirror of the school. As are the DC people. This does not shine a golden light on either school.

So, while I am disappointed in the behavior that represented YCHS last night, I am still proud to be a Honker Mom. I know too many other kids that attend that school and give it a bright and positive reputation every day. Maybe they aren’t as public as the athletic clubs. Maybe they aren’t deemed as important as the athletic clubs. But they are special, kind, amazing, intelligent, sweet, considerate, mature, and conscientious every day and that behavior makes me proud to be a Honker Mom.

http://www.advarsitysports.com/articles/city-3513-yuba-high.html

http://blogs.sacbee.com/preps/archives/2012/04/brawl-halts-jun.html

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46948126/ns/local_news-sacramento_ca/t/del-campo-yuba-city-baseball-brawl-posted-youtube/#.T3y8c_BQ69U

http://now.msn.com/now-plus/0404-baseball-brawl.aspx

Lots of articles all over the web…sigh…the YouTube video is embedded into one of the articles, but in case you want to just see, here:

http://youtu.be/RD0Vvk7jQT8

Places to Visit - Had to Share - Too Funny

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.  I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial, but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepsh-t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

Personal Notes:

I have been in Cahoots. However, if I tell you about it, I'd have to kill you.

I've been in Sane so much that I have the t-shirt, key ring, and tote bag.

I've given up in Vincible - turned in my cape and mask.

LOL, hope you are smiling, too.

Smoochies, 

DL

P.S. This is to loosen you up to a more serious post later. Sigh.

Bunnies and Buses

I have some amazing friends. Yes, I know, I really have friends. Lol

But I have some really fun friends. They’re Monkeys. Well, they are Code Monkeys. They write games. Games for Facebook and in the future, maybe for Android and iPhones. Sweet.

Well, this last weekend they got together, Code Monkeys from different companies and different areas of expertise to participate in Moly Jam 2012. This is where a bunch of Code Monkeys get together and spend 48 hours crunching banana chips and writing code to make a new game.

In the span of 48 hours, they write a new game. A playable game. And my guys wrote a cute game involving little bunny clones from space. These maniacal little fur balls are seriously evil. They are trying to keep commuters from making their bus. Now, as a bus commuter, if some little fluffy cutey-pie bunny wants to keep me off of my commuter bus, I’d be all for it. But I digress.

Here’s a link to the Bunnies and Buses info page:

http://www.whatwouldmolydeux.com/display.php?GameID=76

Go check out what I consider the best game of the weekend. A group of very talented gentlemen worked on this game who are now exhausted but thrilled with their product. I can’t seem to get past level 5 but it’s just a blast. Place bunnies in the path of the commuters and watch them suck the carrots (the commuters’ payment to ride the bus) from the commuters. If the poor commuters don’t have enough carrots to ride the bus they can’t get on. Your Fur-Filled mission is to keep them off the bus. Now, as your carrots accumulate, you can upgrade your bunnies. Their circle radius of destruction gets bigger and they can grab more carrots.

It’s a blast. A total blast and my hope is that these busy men find the time to make it Android ready. Hell, I’d download it.

Have a great night. Code Monkeys…you guys deserve bunches and bunches of bananas. And hugs, lots of hugs. I <3 you guys!!

Smoochies

Hunger Games - Movie Review

Okay, so, we went to see the movie. I can see how those that haven’t read the book would have questions. AND yes, they did change a couple things, but I understand why they did it.

I thought they did a great job. The movie was entertaining, the actors were awesome, and the sense of drama was intense in places. There was a part where both my daughter and I knew it was coming, we read the books, and we still jumped. That’s pretty awesome when a director can do that.

So hard to describe the movie without giving anything away. Sigh. But I’d give it a 4 out of 5. 

Book vs. Movie

Okay, so here is my deal today. I am an avid reader. Okay, that’s not an accurate description. I’m a voracious reader. I devour books. I love the written word. I’ll usually read anything….at least once.

Which brings me today’s issue. What the hell is it with people that complain about movies without reading the books they are based on?

Now, I have seen a movie and found out after that there was a book beforehand and if the movie had peaked my interest, then I’ll go find the book and read it. It’s happened. True, the reverse has also happened where I have seen a movie and have NO desire to read the book it came from.

I am currently in a debate with a co-worker about The Hunger Games.

I read the first book at the request of my daughter who, knowing where my tastes run, suggested that I would like it. Okay. It was a simple request, since my daughter and I have a lot of the same tastes in books and movies, suggestions to each other are usually met with interest.

Now, back to my co-worker, he has stated that he does not read unless forced. The last book he read was because it was assigned for a class. Sigh. That is the only way that he has read any of the classics, few as that may have been. I asked him about Shakespeare, Hemingway, Orwell, etc., only read in school. I asked him if he had read Animal Farm, no. Hell, I read that book in 5^th grade.

So, this brings us to The Hunger Games. Now, I haven’t seen the movie yet. I am going tomorrow evening with my kids and their friends. I can’t wait. I have read the complete trilogy and therefore, am looking forward to seeing the interpretation of the director. Always entertaining. LOL

My co-worker has seen it and knowing that I have read the books, has been in my office every day this week asking me questions about it. My main answer now, after trying to explain things to him, is “Read the damn book.” No joke.

Why do they make the kids kill each other in the arena? It’s explained in the book. I then tried to explain the situation of the post-apocalyptic environment and the Capital’s desire to keep everyone under their thumb. Hmmmmm….. Then he comes back with “Why?” again. Ugh. I compare it to the Romans with the Christians and lions. Entertainment value for the citizens of the Capital. “But why?” Grrr… seriously? How old are we? Five? So then I compare the arena fighting to the gladiators. “But they were more evenly matched?” **OMFG** Back to Christians and Lions. He seems to get that part. For now.

Then the whole issue of the uproar of the tributes from District 11, about how people are upset that the characters were of a certain racial background. (Was that politically correct enough? Mind you my co-worker and I are of two different racial backgrounds even different from the D11 Tribs.) Seriously? This is an issue here? Again **OMFG** Read the damn book. It describes in the book how the people from District 11 are all a dark skinned people. There are a ton of different races on this earth all with varying skin colors. (This is a whole other rant for me, but I digress…that one is later.)

Then the questions about how are they picked, why aren’t they the same ages, why does a poor district need a baker, where do they get flour, etc., etc., etc.

I swear I am going to scream. So, to keep me sane, here is a piece of advice….

READ THE DAMN BOOK!!

Weird or Just Right

People say I am weird. Bah. People say I’m nuts. Whatever. I am an individual. I am a “what you see is what you get” type of person. I no longer change my opinion to be liked by others. I've been called a bitch and I guess that is their opinion. I just don't give in to others. 

I have neon green nails with glitter, thank-you-very-much. I have green apple gummi bear ear buds for my iPod that is wrapped in a 1959 Sleeping Beauty-Princess Aurora Skin. I love funky watches and I am a huge geek. Oh, and the funkier and weirder the earrings? I’ll wear them. Hell, I have bloodied zombie skeleton hand earrings…I love them. And yes, I wear these things to work. 

I love to watch my kids play video games. I love to play board games but I love a good amusement park. I am a Disney freak and I love Star Tours.

I listen to weird music. I like all sorts. I list to JPop with my kids, Journey, classical, rock, blues, R&B. I am seriously eclectic. 

I am a Dragon trapped in a Human body. Seriously. Ask my kids. I love dragons. Not the grizzly, morbid, scary ones, but the thoughtful, don’t-touch-my-books-or-treasure types. I have an inner dragon that I call my inner bitch. Be careful if you let her out, because she doesn’t go back into her box easily. However, I am actually fairly even tempered. I don’t sweat the small stuff. I don’t concern myself with the things I cannot change. I do not have a time machine in my pocket. I learn from my mistakes and I move on.

I enjoy reading and crafting. I like to crochet when my hands allow it and I like to sew.

I play Dungeons & Dragons, love watching people play 40K, and like silly video games like Jak & Daxter, Cat in the Hat, and Spyro. I’m not great at them, but I like them.

I watch anime and read webcomics. Currently, I love Diesel Sweeties, Ends N Means, and Girls with Slingshots. (See links.) I am waiting (un)patiently for a Kurtis plushie from Ends N Means but I know that will come eventually. I have a Doom Kitty Glow-in-the-Dark T-shirt and watch Star Trek, Star Wars, and Big Bang Theory.

If this makes me a geek or weird, then I will wear those labels with pride. Because if that also means you have an unconditional friend, a shoulder to weep on, a Human Dragon to fight battles with you, and someone to laugh with? Then, as my daughter says, Hells Yeah I’m a weird geek.

As Popeye would say, "I yam what I yam." LOL

Children - Lovable Midgets or Pawns? And Marriage - Civil Unions for Everyone!!

Okay, my rant for the day. My inner bitch clawed her way out of her box today when I read an article the other day about Gay Marriage and what happens to children of same sex couples when they split up. Grr..she was spitting fire. My scales were flaming because this is dredging up the Federal Law regarding the rights of sperm and egg donors and their rights to child rearing and visitation.

According to the law, sperm and egg donors have no legal rights to the child born using their donations via in-vitro fertilization. Okay, I get that. But when the egg belongs to a woman in a same sex relationship, and is inserted into the partner, with all intentions of raising this child as theirs, together, there are rights here.

This is no different than a woman giving an egg to a surrogate when she can’t carry to term. Is the surrogate given parental rights because she was the “birth” mother? Not usually.

To me, this is fairly cut and dry. If you used any medical procedure to gestate a child to be raised and loved by you and your partner, regardless of sex, then the two partners both have equal rights to the child in visitation, custody, and love. They both have a right to monitor the health and raising of that child just like a hetero couple.

If one partner gives up their rights, then that is different. But if you gave birth using your partners egg? Deal with it, you may be the “birth” mother but you wouldn’t have that child without the egg of your partner. How difficult is this to figure out? Blarg. Race, sex, marital status has nothing to do with this. It is all about parental rights of a partnership of people committed to loving, caring, and raising a child. That child should never be a pawn in your relationship squabbles. If you do not want to be with your partner anymore, respect the child’s right to know both parents. Quit short changing your child for your petty arguments.

Unfortunately, this discussion then deteriorated into a discussion based on faith and the moral wrongness of same sex marriage. This is what lit my inner bitch’s fire. She was ticked.

We, as a general rule, have become lazy. All of us. We use the term “marriage” and “marry” for so many meanings that we forget the basis of the word. I mean, I can get really technical and quote my boyfriend, Webster, and list the meaning of the word but we could argue that to the end of days. I mean we use the word “marry” in construction when “marrying” two joints together in carpentry or welding. Am I the only girl that knows this? I know I am not.

I had this discussion with a friend of mine regarding the differences between Marriage and Civil Union.

There is a difference, but maybe not the one you are thinking of right now. I am not talking about the spousal rights, religious, or governmental rights of an individual in a relationship, per se, but something just a tad different and I want others to really think about it.

There is a difference between "marriage" and a civil union. A "marriage" is religious, whereas, a "civil union" is legal. You notice you have to have a license for both your church and the state in order to get “married”. "Marriage" has become synonymous for both. So, you enter into marriage in a church while at the same time entering into a civil contract under the state. If you got married in a church but not with the state legal union document, it would be recognized in the church only, not the state. Making it impossible for you to claim spousal rights in an employment or governmental situation. And Vice Versa, if you got civilly "married" at the recorder's office, it wouldn't be recognized by most religions because you weren't married in a church. You need both for religious, but one for legal.

Leave them alone. There should never be anything different in a civil union for a hetero couple and a civil union for a gay couple. Period. Churches are for religious relationships with one's higher power, not legal. Keep your religion out of my rights. Your civil union giving you spousal rights to your significant other's employment benefits, or anything else for that matter, should never be different from another couple's EVER - regardless of religious or sexual preference. It's like saying that a Catholic marriage is more "legal" than a Protestant one. Get over it. Keep religion out of it.

Let’s remember that Church and State are separate for a reason. There are too many people trying to blur or erase those lines. Not cool.

Phew - Technical Difficulties - Sigh

Okay, so after a few technical difficulties, I am back. Been a long couple months, but I am back on track. Woot!

Okay, I think I am back on track. Sigh.

So, you will start seeing my posts on a more regular basis. Even if it is just to check in and say hi!! The fact that I needed my daughter to help me figure this page/site out is actually embarrassing. But there it is. I will ask that you forgive any misspellings that spell check doesn’t catch in my posts. My neuro condition has a symptom of making me misspell words that any 3rd grader can spell. Sigh. Sucks, but there it is.

I have been working on my bucket list. My view is this: if I keep working on it, and keep adding to it, then I can’t waste away. I’ll have too much to do and those that know me know that I hate leaving a to do list undone. It drives me nuts. I have managed to chip away a few of my OCD traits over the years and it’s been good for me. Not worrying so much about little crap. Letting stuff roll. I tend to go by the rule of if I can’t fix it, I have to let it go.

I preach that there is always a way. It may not be obvious, but it’s there. You just have to find it. The harder it is to find, the more important the situation.

In another post today, you will get my first formal spewing of opinion. Trust me, you unlock that door, be careful what you let out. My inner bitch is a force to be reckoned with. She’s mighty nasty at times and rather difficult to lock back up in her box. Feisty Wench.

So, I do take suggestions. If someone has one of those 100 questions a day or pictures a day things, send it to me and I’ll try to do it on my blog. Let you guys see some of the eccentricities that run through my head. Wink! I know I am an odd duck, but I’m a cute duck.

Kick me an email, ask me a question, ask me an opinion, and I’ll give it to ya!

Smoochies –

DL