Ok. I think I am over myself at the moment. I thought about deleting my last post but then I though, no...it's a true statement. Depression does suck and it sucks more when you have no way to really let out the stress bottled up inside you.
I want to throw stuff. Really just toss stuff around. Random things. However, I don't. For a couple reasons. First, I can't throw hard or accurately or for any distance - like that paper airplane you toss but lands at your feet? That's me with a ball some days. So, what would the point be?
Secondly, I'd have to pick it all up. Where's the fun in going batshit crazy for a period of time tossing things about if you are the one that has to clean it all up? You spend the time cleaning bitching about the mess you made. Oh, and if anything broke? Then you bitch at yourself about the money you now have to put out to replace something.
Finally? I'd wear myself out so badly that I'd hurt for a month.
It's so difficult to communicate with normals. They just don't understand. Not to mention those peeps that spend their entire lives complaining about this ache or that pain or the one's that ask you how you feel and when you tell them say, "Now you know how I feel" or "Join the club."
Uhm, no. No, I don't really. And you have no clue how I feel. I hate those sayings. Seriously, what a freaking cop-out and rude as hell.
NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL or JOIN THE CLUB
Now you know how I feel? Why? You have MS/Fibro/Misc Neuro Condition, too? Wow. Awesome.
Can I join the club? Will we get jackets? Are refreshments provided? I ask because my stomach has issues with some foods and I don't like the heartburn that comes after.
It's so hard to get people to understand how you feel. A really good friend linked me to a great article called "The Spoon Theory" by Christine Miserandino. Her website is www.butyoudontlooksick.com and is amazing. The article is a great way to explain how people with "invisible" illnesses live.
Honestly, if you know someone with Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis, Fibromyalgia, or anything like that, her site is a great place to get some helpful info about how to be supportive and thoughtful.
Misplaced "friendly" and "helpful" comments are often more hurtful to our psyches than many would think. It drives me nuts to be thought an invalid. I know what my limits are and I choose to accomplish what I can with what I have, but don't think I can't do anything. I can do whatever I choose to do. It's my choice. If I choose to do something and know I'll pay the consequences for it, it is still my choice.
Like the time I went to my son's high school play the day after a really, really problem filled, complication riddled spinal tap. I went in sweats, sat on a pillow, and was on major pain pills, but I saw my son and enjoyed myself. It made me happier to be there and watch him than it would have had I stayed at home, moped, cried, and lay in bed. It was my choice.
Also, don't assume because I say I am tired that I am done for the day. Again, this is my choice. I know that if I am running low, I can rest. I rest then resume my activity that I choose to do. Don't think I'm not going to finish or I'm going to "flake" on it and take it upon yourself to either finish it for me or make excuses for my not finishing it. Back off. I know my limits.
Yes, sometimes I go over my limits, but I know the consequences and honestly, I can plan for them. If I know that something like going to my kids' activities is going to tap me then I plan for a restful next day.
I have always been a bit anal retentive about calendars and planning things, but I find I am so much more like that now. I'm a scheduler and I really get pissy when someone or something, like my health, gets in my way.
Go check out Christine's site. Venture to the links. Think of it as a fun and educational vacation into knowledge. Even now, in my 40's, I try to learn something new everyday. I encourage it in others.